Procrastination – Maybe it isn't such a bad thing…(Blog post)
So here it is. I have finally registered this blog as a ‘dot com’ website. You can tell it’s procrastination season when you have thousands of ideas in your mind that, for some reason, lay dormant when you have nothing better to do. I suddenly found things that, before, didn’t before seem to cross my mind. Suddenly, my interest fields have diverged and spread – Biology and Psychology seem even more fascinating, our relative worth in the universe, and all these ideas are popping up about animation videos, Youtube, where to go with poetry and blog writing…seems like a mini mid-life crisis every time an exam shows its ugly face.
So, while this procrastination isn’t good for the exams, it is good for opportunities that seem to slip for the rest of the year. I decided to spend more time on this blog when I’m not revising (or rather, spend some time revising when I’m not working on these ‘rediscovered’ interests), and hopefully (you’ll notice this seems common on the internet… people saying they’ll dedicate more time to a thing, but almost never do commit) this continues.
There are a few things, on reflection, that have crossed my mind up until now. The first was, how passive I had been up until more recently on the things I enjoy to do, because I don’t like to be ‘that guy’ that always posts links to his stuff. I’m already pretty self-conscious of the perception of myself, and how putting yourself out there in front of people you know can draw some, mostly hidden, and often open, criticism and jeers. Social networking definitely amplifies these sorts of anxieties, which is part of the reason that I prefer it as a deactivate-reactivate approach.
I always try and rationalise my lack of efforts and these insecurities by the idea that, if I ever did progress, I have a fear of being successful, and losing character in the process. This isn’t unfounded, I think about it all the time. It’s like a battle between a want for success and a question as to, what ‘success’ is in my terms, and the reality behind the subtlety of why I want it. Yet, in truth, amidst all the fears and concerns, I think one of the things that bothers me more than anything is potentially wasted potential.
23 years isn’t striking of an age completely passed all hope, but the idea never passes by that time is slipping away and I haven’t much to show for it in my mind except some writing, poetry and videos, a few spoken word performances and (what should be the most important, definitely the most expensive) a pharmacy degree (and, depending on these resit exams, whether or not I can actually practice as a pharmacist). I don’t want to look back and see so little to define me by terms of what matters to me.
I guess it comes to this. I’ve wondered to myself, do the people that really love what they are doing procrastinate at the tasks at hand? Does, for example, a professional football player, or an actor that loves their job ever sit and wonder about how things could have been if they had opted for another route? I’m not the type that’s a full on ‘follow your dreams no matter what’ thinker. I chose pharmacy because at the time it was the most sensible option available to me. I had other career paths that I would have probably been better at, but, in a world where there is that pressure and consequence for your choices, and of limited job opportunities, I went for pharmacy for a variety of reasons, and I don’t regret the choice.
I don’t know where this road will go and whether it will work out (and it doesn’t seem as sensible a career path as it was when I started, but who would have known that at the time). Though it wouldn’t have been the path I’d have chosen had it been purely down to where my interests lie, there are aspects of it that I did actually grow to like over the course and, that is all we can do with what we think. As one of my friends posted to me at a time when we were discussing philosophy – there was an interesting perspective he’d put forth about regrets – at that given time when you’re faced with a choice, with all those options, the choice you tend to opt for is the one that made most sense then when you’ve thought it through. And, if you were to go back in time, you’d make that same choice again.
If we’re not able to do what we love as a job, then the only other choice is to try to, to some measure, love what we do. What it comes down to, is whatever path it is, work your best at it. If it isn’t the job of choice, don’t close the doors on the things we do pursue even if as a hobby. We seem to forget too often, that even if it isn’t with respect to a job, a fair few of us have the choices that the majority of people don’t.
And there we have it. Maybe I’d look back on this after exams and think, what a load of nonsense (as I tend to do when I look back at writings of the past). Who knows? At least I may look back on it and think I was just pursuing something I enjoyed and put the effort into it, even if the end results were embarrassing. What does it matter eh?
On that note, if you’ve reached this far, you were probably procrastinating too, so thank you. Time to close this and spend a few more hours of the day back to hitting the textbooks (both physically and metaphorically). Because whatever the future holds, I don’t want to have to look back and think that opportunities in any of the fields in my life were wasted because I didn’t give it my best.